Rantings and Ramblings of a Southern Girl

Well, negativity has tried to take me and hasn't yet. I'm working hard on moving on from this job. I can't wait. I feel I'm very qualified for a Secretary post at the VA which is 20 min from home vs. the 1hr and 5min commute I have now. The start pay is just as much as I make now. It would be busy, but I think I would welcome the change from social work. I love people contact, but the demands can be taxing at times. I've been trying to use affirmations to keep positive and that seems to help keep my morale up. Things are looking up for me. I've not felt this peaceful in years. I know this positive change will happen. I've made it a point to make sure everything is in place. I believe it will happen sooner than later. I've already applied for 6 posts in 1 wk. If I can keep that volume up, I figure that someone will give me a chance. I did already get shut down for 2, but I must admit applying for them was an act of desperation and I'm glad it happened. I've not let on a thing to my boss and I think it bugs her. But I'm going to keep my head down and work for the duration while I am here. That way no one suspects a thing. I realize now that I allowed certain people to emotionally defeat me. I'm capable. I'm smart. I have excellent people skills and I'm not afraid of learning something new. I love working with people and am not afraid to work. I know I have talents like everyone else despite how I've been made to feel. I'm an assett and not a liability. I'm not perfect, but I'm a decent human being with a good heart. I feel bad that I allowed negative people to nearly break me. But no more. I'm on the way to bigger and better things. Life is good. Walk by faith and not by sight as God does provide... and he will. I must go now. The day is ending. Have a good one!

 

Love,

Me

Well, I went to the much-dreaded meeting. I lucked up and got to sit in with another group and got out quickly. But my group has been in Johnson City the entire day. For some reason, the regional super wanted to speak to them individually. She didn't ask that of me when I was there. Doesn't sound good, does it?

I discovered I'm being passed around to a 3rd secretary and rumor has it that she's going to be really pissed about it. I wasn't a slave driver with the one I have. I love her. She's been honest, helpful and efficient. I appreciate her a lot. I just have the "red headed stepchild" syndrome. I'm not quite here but not there either. I think that's just one more confirmation that I don't belong here.

It doesn't bother me any more. I know I'll find work doing something somewhere eventually. I've had the sick feeling that I'm in trouble. Can't think of what for though. Call it being paranoid, but I've been burnt too many times in my duration here. My guard is up. I know who can and can not be trusted. And this too shall pass....

I hope I'm not in trouble. We have another meeting here tomorrow and I imagine some of this stuff may carry over. I swear I hate drama. I have managed to get a lot of good work done today. It's been nice and quiet and Suzie and I have had a nice day. I guess it's to soften the blow for tomorrow. I don't know. I know I should have more faith in this place, but I've been let down too many times and just can't seem to do that.

Other than that, things are going ok. I'm walking again and trying to be somewhat active. That does seem to help. I tell ya I need something because last night I was up until 2am because of dread of coming here. I shouldn't let it get to me like that, but what else do ya do when the boss won't tell you what the meeting is about and that there's good and bad and she "thinks" the good "might" outweigh the bad. I hate all this cryptic mind-game crap.

It was fun when I was 14, but I just don't have time for it now. Gosh, I shound hateful today. I really don't mean to. There are good things going on my way. Things are looking up. I just can't let anyone destroy those thoughts for me. No matter what. So that's about it for now. I'll keep you posted.

Well, another day of thinking 'out loud'...sort of. I am anxiously awaiting a letter from another dept. to interview for a job closer to home. I've not said a word to my boss and won't do so until I get contacted, but there are several openings, so it's just about a given that I'll at least interview.

I've discovered that I won't be able to stay in VR more than likely. The super in JC lied about a position she had open and I know she interviewed a few people for it. That tells me not only does she not want me for that post, but she's not going to allow me to come to Johnson City. I guess I "stirred up too much trouble" while there. But it did answer a prayer and for that, I'm grateful.

I'm not bothered at the thought of not staying in VR any more. At first it did, but now I'm ok with it. I still get nervous every morning coming over here. I've been in this job a year and thought I'd be over that by now, but things are different here.

I've did a lot of soul searching lately. My mood isn't where I'd like it to be yet, but I'm not sleeping 10 hrs a night now either. I've been praying a lot and asking for guidance. I've been trying to be faithful in believing this move will happen and be patient as well. It's not easy, but I'm trying.

I actually feel pretty peaceful about everything right now. God blessed us with a dishwasher that was given to us. He also blessed my husband with new tires that cost only the equivalent of what one would cost in the store. So that was HUGE. My friend's boyfriend and all parties in the car accident Friday were unhurt as well. So, that was another blessing.

My boss will not be returning to the office until Thurs. so I don't have to worry about her eavesdropping on me for any reason (yeah, she does that). She tries to do what I call "secret surveilance" but isn't as discreet as she thinks she is with it. Here lately she's been acting weird too. There's something awry in Nashville and somehow our office is drug into it. My paranoid self is a little concerned, but I keep telling myself that I won't be here much longer to worry about it.

Things at home are ok. That's all they are. I've learned to tolerate Mark and his obsession with the video game. I've learned to tolerate his negligence of our relationship and things he needs to be doing at home. I just don't have any fight in me left to care. I just deal with it. He at least senses my irateness with him, but his efforts are waning at best.  I guess my feelings toward him are indifferent. I wonder if all married people do this?

I was happy to know that a friendship that I thought might be going awry isn't. I talked to my friend a few days ago and it was wonderful. I don't get to see her much as we work in different cities. But I think of her often. She was my mentor in my previous job. She's doing well, but really busy. Her husband had back surgery and recouping quite well, but it takes time to do everything since the dr. still has him under restrictions for lifting and bending. So, hearing from her was another prayer answered.

God is working all around me. I see it and I think he just wanted to reassure me that he is doing as much. My faith in God is strong. It's my faith in myself that is not too good. I'm learning to address that though. My next appointment w/the therapist is next Monday. I still haven't heard from the psychiatrists that I called yet. We shall see.

Right now, things are better than they were. I have a lot of work to do in order to get where I'd like to be. It will take time. I've opened up a little to one of my friends and my sister-in-law, but that's minimal. I prefer to keep it that way for now. Mark doesn't have a clue. It's just much easier to deal w/my inner demons w/o his knowledge.

He's there for me physically, but is very lacking in the emotional department.  He gets it honest. His mother can't even manage to call him once a month. They live in the same town less than 5 minutes apart. Mark hasn't done a thing to her. If anything, when in need, he's been there. He's never asked a thing out of her other than to act like his mother and she claims she's too busy to do that.

I know it's bound to hurt him, but like most men he won't show it. But she claims to be Christian and what not, but for reasons I don't know she chooses to close us both out. She has a bad tendency around the holidays to go all "June Cleaver" and act like nothing's wrong. She'll do her annual soirees and invite us and put on "good face" and then after Christmas it's right back to square one.

Unless Mark insists upon it, I don't plan on playing "the Cleaver game" with her. I figure if she can't muster up the time to call her son during the year, we don't need to indulge her during the holidays. Just my opinion, doesn't mean anything though. Well, enough on that subject. I've vented enough. With all this said, progress is being made. It's slow, but it's happening. Things will improve, I just need to believe more.

Thanks for listening. Hopefully my next report will be better than this one. I'll keep you posted.

 

Love,

Me

This week had started off roughly, but oddly enough I have experienced things that I don't thing are sheer coincidence. I went to a therapist this week. She was nice enough. We began on working on my family history, stressors, etc. She stated she felt I should make myself do things I tend to enjoy even if I don't think I feel like it. She said to try one thing a week and just see how that goes. So I am. She also said she wanted to refer me to a psychiatrist. I'm working on that as well. I left there indifferent, but headed on to Wal-Mart.

I ran into what was one of my best clients when I worked in my home town. She looked slimmer and was smiling "ear to ear". I asked her how she was and she said "Great." I asked what was great in her life and she proceeded to tell me that she'd lost 60 lbs, come off of all of her medicines and was getting ready to go to work. She said she'd prayed over it and put her faith in a 'higher power' and things just started happening. I was elated for her and my first thought walking away was, "God put her in my path for a reason. Don't know what that is yet, but there was a reason."

I thought about it long after our meeting. Well, this morning I ran into another client with wonderful news. We talked about how far she'd come and I told her how proud I was of her accomplishments. (Now keep in mind, these 2 women I speak of don't know each other at all) She began to tell me how she prayed over it and put her faith in a "higher power". It was almost a direct quote of the first lady. It has sent chills through me. Two people, one week, same joy. No, that isn't irony. That has given me new hope.

I still don't know 100% what God's message to me is in that, but I'm changed by it. I feel hope. For the first time in a long time, I feel optimistic about life. I feel God will make a way. So today, my worries and burdens are no longer mine. I'm giving them to God. I know he will provide and he does answer prayers. I just can't get over the great way he's revealed himself. I appreciate it. I can't wait to see what happens next!

What I wouldn't give to be able to lie down and sleep the rest of the day! I'm exhausted from nothing but clinical depression. Sleep is my only escape, but I did manage to set up an appt. with a therapist on Monday. My head says this is a good move, but my soul could not care less. That sounds horrible I know, but I don't know how to describe the specifics of what I'm experiencing right now.

I'm sad, but numb. I can't muster up a single tear. Why? I have no idea. I feel trapped w/in my job and that I'll never get closer to home. I feel alone even when others are present. I find peace only when I sleep. I dream of places far and away and I feel calm and happy. I can't seem to find anything close to that in my waking hours. I've only told one person here as she's gone through something similar and I trust her not to tell anyone else. But I haven't gone into great detail. It's just easier that way.

I'm having trouble concentrating on my work or any task. I'm in such a fog. I've not taken a thing other than what my dr. prescribes me and I'm not one to abuse my meds.. although I see why folks do that. It will take power far greater than what I have to climb across this hurdle. It's strange. I kind of have an idea as to how my mother felt prior to her hospitalization. She was numb.

The only difference is she wanted to die and I don't. I couldn't put my family and friends through what Mom put us through. It was hell and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. I don't wish to die, but I get why people do. It makes sense to me that one would want to seek a permanent escape. Who wants to live like this all of the time? Not one soul. No, not one...

Well, God saw fit I live to see another anniversary of my father's passing. It's now been 3 yrs. I miss my dad terribly. I feel like the only person that "got me" is forever gone. I don't talk to my other family members like I did him. I just didn't think they could handle it or wanted to hear it. Now I'm left with one-sided conversations with him and an emptiness that can't be described.

Part of me would love to feel good again and be out enjoying life, the other part of me thinks it's just not worth the effort. I manage to do the "bare minimum" with what is required of me at work and home, but that's about all that is getting done.

I've prayed to God about this. He knows where I stand, but here I am. I say little to family and friends. I get on my own nerves saying it, so I can't imagine now nerve racking it is to hear it from me. So, I put on my "happy face" and don't let on. It's getting harder to do though. It seems like each day it takes more and more effort... or maybe that is just everything I do... I'm not certain at this point.

I've got 4 more hours before I can get in my car and drive home for the day. It's been the longest day. I'm trying to give the illusion that I'm busy anyhow. Oy! I only want to see 4:30 get here. I hate it here. Ab-so-lute-ly hate it! Lord help me.

 

I find my self on auto-pilot today. I'm plugging along not really accomplishing anything, but not really wanting to. I'm nearing my wits end with this job. I can and will say out loud that I a)wish I'd kept my mouth shut and b)wish I'd never left DHS. It's been an uphill battle since arriving here and I feel no matter what I say or do here, it will not benefit me. I've more or less "blackballed" myself in this department and realize that it's time for me to go.

That hurt me at first, but facts are facts. So I accept it for what it is. I failed here and miserably so. I have learned a lot while here though. I'll take it with me into my next job. I do hope that I can stay w/the state maybe going into another dept. That's what I hope for. I'm trying and that's about all I can do at the moment. I'm trying to be patient, but that's something that doesn't come easy for me.

Each day I become more and more depressed by this place. I don't really let anyone know it as I don't think they need to. I'm here and I'm working, so that's all that should matter to those around me. I have found some solace in sleeping. I sleep a lot to escape what I feel. It does help. It's about the only thing that does. My husband tried talking to me last night, but I didn't open up to him 100%. I just can't.

I've written to purge, I've prayed to purge and I've cried to purge this awful thing out of me. I'm to the point where I'm just numb and really tired. I think that would be best right now. I don't have the energy to actually deal with anything. I do what I must, but that's all I can do. I guess taking my meds would help. Maybe.. maybe not. I just don't see any resolve.

Perhaps this is how my life is meant to be. If it is, then ok. Honestly, I'd hoped for more but it's quite all right. I'll live. I wish I could get out of this. But part of me just accepts it. At least I have sleep to look forward to. There's nothing else right now. Nothing else.....

 

I write today from work...again. I am liking my work for the most, but I long to get closer to home. I still have trust issues with different people. I'm trying to do what I'm told and do a good job, but I sense that people are dragging their feet and "blowing smoke". I had inquired about one opening in another dept. closer to home, but the supervisor opened it w/o a response. The regional had spoke of a marketing position and getting it state approved. Nothing there either and in no hurry to do so now as I was led to believe earlier. I still think what happened with my first supervisor is following me. I was slow to learn I admit, but I wasn't taught near what I should have been. Now, since I have said something I feel I am being penalized. I just wonder if those things scar you for life or what. Should I have just allowed my former boss to "toss me to the dogs" and make it appear it was my fault 100% when it wasn't? Should I just 'eat crap' and go on? I'm finding it difficult to sort these things out. I feel rather loserly today. All I want is to get closer to home. I'm willing to work. It's a matter of affording it. My work knows what my financial situation is and that it being why I want closer to home. I feel like that may not have been a smart move, but I didn't know what else to do. I just have a sour taste in my mouth for this place. I wish I could let it go 100%. I really do. But my trust has been violated early on since coming here and by more than one person. I feel trapped. I'm good enough for this where I am considered mediocre at best, but not good enough anywhere else. I can't even get a callback on anything I apply for. It's so disappointing. My husband is working ridiculous hours and I don't talk to him about it as he's too exhausted. I just kind of deal with it alone. I've cried and prayed. I'm to the point where I'm not feeling real worthy of much of anything. I'm trying to find anything and everything that I may "have a shot" at. So far, nothing. I wasn't always this way. When I was in my 20's, I was optimistic and felt there was a way to do anything. I try to still instill this in my clients, but not so much myself. I'm starting to see it as a waste for me. It does things for them. I know I shouldn't let work bother me like this. I just have never experienced feeling so low, so stupid and so unable to trust as much as I should at work. It's that "waiting for the other shoe to drop" syndrome. I have this vertigo thing now and it's embarrassing. I never know when it's going to happen. I grab walls, doors or whatever due to fear of falling. I feel I look stupid. I hope it's just an inner ear or sinus thing and will go away. If it isn't, my dr. wants to test further and do a CAT scan... that scares me. Who knows at this point? I just don't feel sure about anything.

 

Got to go,

Me

I wish I could get past the depression and frustration I feel. I can not. I've exhausted every option I have to purge myself of it and it fades, but doesn't dissipate entirely. I feel worthless, hopeless and just plain ignorant. I don't wish to talk to anyone further about this as I feel as if I've put them out. I just want to feel good about my abilities and self again. I'm alive for some reason...what, I could not tell you. That part's not up to me. I just know I long for a simpler, happier life. I'm overwhelmed in almost every aspect of my life. If I knew I wouldn't hurt my nephew's feelings, I wouldn't go to his party Saturday. I just want to crawl into a hole and not come out. I'm starting on my antidepressants again in hopes of change... but between my Mom's health, Mark, ending friendships, lots of change w/in the job (and a lot of it not good), finances and just lack of sanity- I feel defeated. That's the only way I know how to put it. This journal is my last opportunity to at least feel like I can express my feelings freely.

Hello..

It's 3am. I'm running a low-grade fever. My upper right side of my abdomen is sore and I'm nauseous. I'm not pregnant according to EPT. I'm tired and feel poorly. I've been really emotional lately and tired. This has been going on for nearly a week and I'm concerned now that I know I'm not pregnant. I wouldn't feel alarm if I was....

It's not been extreme pain nor fever, just enough to be cumbersome. I'm so sleepy. I have to get up for work in 2.5 hrs and I can't go back to sleep. I have an appointment today so I have to be there for it. My face is on fire...or it seems that way to me. I don't feel that hot to the touch. I'm trying to ride this out through the end of the week. I'll be on vacation then and I wouldn't have to miss any work time. But it's not any fun. I know that much....

Maybe it's just stress... See, yesterday was my Dad's 59th birthday. He'll have been dead 3 yrs on 09/04. Birthdays and holidays are still hard for me when it comes to him. Although this year was bittersweet as my niece turned one yesterday. She had a nice little party and had a good time. I've also been dealing w/friendship stress of a former friend I've recently terminated the relationship with. I don't feel bad about it...as a matter of fact I feel relief from it. But we all know how internalizing things can manifest themselves into our physical being...don't we?

I hope to get to the bottom of this soon. It would explain a lot hopefully. We shall see. I'm hoping it is as simple as some 'bug' going around. Well, a girl can dream, can't she? There's just so much going on in my body and head and I honestly don't wish to contend with any of it. I know..that's not healthy. Normally, I would want to 'nip it'. But right now I don't have the energy to do so. I'm going to try to go back to sleep for a bit. I hope for resolution soon. Thank you for listening.

 

Love,
Me

 

 

Good Morning,

    I report to you live from work...shhhh. I'm feeling far more peaceful about work today than yesterday, but I think my blood sugar is out of whack. I'm a type 2 diabetic. I flubbed up and ate pizza and cheese sticks. Raised my sugar last night and now I'm crashing and running low this morning. It's a yucky feeling.

   My mind is muddled and I just want more sleep. I've fudged on my diabetic care lately and that's no one's fault but mine. However, I'm back on my meds and trying to do better. I've been wanting to get out and walk, but it's rained every evening. I may just take my umbrella and go anyhow if it's not storming. We've had an unusual amount of thunder and lightning this year.

    I've got plenty to do, but when I'm like this I have little concentration and I just drag. I'm hoping this lets up soon. I know... I know better. I got some really positive feedback from my boss and her super on the marketing position ideas needed. I also told them I'd love to be considered. Well, we all know how things like that can go sometimes so I proceed with caution. But here's to hoping.

     Things are coming along at work. I'm not where I think I should be in this job, but my boss says she's not concerned and she's happy. So, I guess I should be as well. Well, I think I'm gonna run and see what I can accomplish. It will be slow, but it will get done hopefully. Sounds like thunder out (again). Gonna go back to work whilest I still have power to work by.

TTYL,

Vicky

I find myself in another mental quandry about work. Why do I let this drive me crazy? We had what I would call a mostly productive meeting, but it instilled a lot of doubt in myself as well as rehashed some frustration over something I can do nothing about. Right now, I can financially afford to make the drive to my job. But this winter, when I have a heat bill, I will not. This isn't news to my superiors. My post wasn't moved by my choice. I'm trying earnestly to get to where either I have a post that I get gas reimbursement or get a post closer to home or both. There is a slight possibility of a position that they are creating that would involve marketing the program. I've e-mailed my boss and her boss expressing interest and sharing what I think are some pretty decent ideas. My degree is in business, so I think that I could do a good job of it. But after seeing the stats of our region, I realize that I'm the worst in the department at most everything. My boss kept saying it was because it was my first year. That's partly true. I just feel the first half of my first year has pretty much scarred and doomed me. My boss's predecessor was a lousy boss to me at best. She didn't want to train me and didn't. She went as far as to see if I'd quit first. So, many people assumed things about me that weren't true. I had to redeem myself for damage that I can say I wasn't responsible for the majority of. I'm still doing that. Then I discover my name gets all the way to Nashville via someone I've spoke to maybe 6 times in my life that has nothing to do with my job. But someone who's done half the work I have this year got a position he wanted because his mother is why my name made it to Nashville complaining of how I've not reached half of my goal. Yet, his stats are half of mine and he gets a post he wants. Well, I know govt. is very political and I get that. But honestly, this whole experience minus the last few months has left a nasty, bitter taste in my mouth. I enjoy the people contact and talking to them about the program. I really do. but each time I get a little confidence in myself doing this, it's followed by the reminder that I'm simply not good at it. Despite it, I got a good evaluation by my boss. But this has weighed heavily on my mind. I try to put it out of my mind and can most days, but I just don't know. I've prayed and lost sleep over it. I just have this gut feeling that my first six months (although justifiable now) will follow me the rest of my duration in this dept. It's been a year come next month and I still have a lot of doubts. So....I don't know. It's all frustrating to me. Mark's trying to get a better paying job w/in the city, but like my attempt it is going slow. I just wish God would 'whack me upside the head' and say, "Hey, this is what you need to do. Now go do it." I know...it's not that simple. Maybe I'm looking for something that's not realistic. But I don't like being in a position where I'm doing something, I'm not good at it at all and I know it. I feel like I'm jipping those I serve as well as myself. It's a sucky feeling. So...who knows. I guess chalk this up to another 'bitch and moan session' by me. I just want to let this thing go. It makes me sad.

Good Morning,

    I write to you fairly relaxed today. It's been a busy weekend and I'm just hanging out at home. Yesterday we took our nephew to see Spiderman 3, out to eat and the comic book store. He's worked really hard on his advanced reading class and we wanted to reward him(he has the highest points in his grade).

     Nashville is over for a long while I hope. I enjoyed the training, but there is still quite a bit of anxiety of coming back. It appears I'm going to another office, same staff and supervision but the travel will add about 230 miles per week to my travel time. My husband is not happy about this. So, that's been hard to deal with. There is a position that I think is open that works with teaching the blind/visually impaired  to use adaptive equipment.

       It's not like teaching them braille or anything, but things they can use in their everyday life to continue to live independently. I like to teach. I've done in with disabled adults before and even used some of the equipment before. The caseload isn't near as high, but the office is closer to home. I've emailed the supervisor of that position to let her know of my interest although I've discovered they did interview 2 already. But I'm being told by others that they didn't really meet the criteria....so who knows.

        Now don't get me wrong, the folks in the office further away are great. It's just my spouse giving me grief over the longer drive I'll have. I dread to see all the work I'll have to do when I get back. It takes about 2 wks to catch that up...that doesn't include the work that comes in during the week your back. It's really been a stressful 4 months. Having no help at home around the house hasn't helped one damned bit either.

         I'm on antidepressants and anxiety meds again. I'm not really happy about that, but it's either that or feel like having heart attack symptoms most of the day. So....Oddly enough, besides that, my physical health is good aside from my being overweight. Even my blood pressure is within range. But I tell ya, I have days where I don't have tolerance for anything.

          I'm normally a patient person...really. But between having no help at home, being behind at work, the conflicts at work, the changes at work and just some people in general....It makes me want to move away from all of that. I know...running away isn't the answer. But I don't know what else to do. I'm really at a loss here. I've prayed, I've cried, I've vented on here....and I've done so alone.

           I've tried talking to my husband....I don't think he understands. My mother is far to judgemental depsite she's gone through much worse mentally. My brother, eh- don't see no point in that. I think my dr. gets it and he told me when I felt I needed counseling he would be glad to help me find a good one....I've not been to one since a few months after my dad died.

             I just don't know......I have so much angst, anxiety, depression and frustration inside sometimes. This is worse now than when my father died. If only he were here...what a great listener and advisor he was. He could do so without judgement. He was reasonable and he acted like he loved me no matter how badly I may have screwed up. I have never felt that with my mother. I'm sure she loves me, but if I screw up...believe me, she's the first to let me know.

              I'm not sure where answers lie here. I'm not sure of much of anything right now other than how I feel. I don't like it and feel like it makes me a weaker person. But maybe that's mine to deal with, I just dont' know.....I'm not sure of anything any more. Well, gonna run take the dog out. You know, responsibility and the whole bit. Thanks for listening.

 

Me

      

I am completing the final day of my final week in training for a while. I'd been going about every 3 wks since the early part of Feb. I'm thankful. Upon my return I'll have about 6 days to interview 10 people for reviews, 4 for intake and move my office to another city for reasons at first I didn't question. I want to have complete faith in my supervision and she has proven herself in many ways, but I've been burnt by previous supervision in this job and I'm virtually paranoid about it. I'll be driving about 23 more miles, but I'll be with people I like. See, originally I was told they needed my original office for someone in trouble and wondered if I'd be willing to move. We all know that if they ask and you say no, you still run the risk of having to go anyway... so I said yes because I thought it would help them and everyone involved. Well the story has changed a little since I've agreed to do this. Originally I was assured that my altercation with some people who thought speading rumors that I could've gotten fired for would be fun was not the reason for the move. I've just had this gnawing feeling ever since. My support office is not even in that office. It's in another office in the city I'm currently in. So, knowing who is going to replace me where I am now. I feel like the person who created the most trouble for me is almost getting rewarded because it appears she won't have have to be support for anyone now. Which makes me think that the move resulted in me being the trouble maker for even saying anything. Now, my take on this may be all wrong, but I don't have all the 'pieces of the puzzle' either... so who knows what will really happen. I've been incredibly eaten up with anxiety and depression since all of this. I'm on prescribed meds and it does help, but I think once the move goes down and I know the whole story, I'll be able to 'breathe again'. I find at times with the anxiety and depression I get on my own nerves so I don't talk to many people about it. My dr. knows. I have trouble concentrating now. It's just strange. But the oddest thing is despite all this bs, I love my work. I love to see people become successful. I've prayed a lot about this. I just hope that things smooth out soon so that I can feel sane again. I can see the possibility of this heading toward paranoia on my part, but I keep telling myself that this too shall pass and that has been what's kept me going. So, I'll try to be optimistic. I've made some good friends in training and I will miss them since they all live closer to here than I. I have the farthest drive at 326 miles one way. So....I digress. I just needed to vent a little so that I can gear up to go home. ahh...home. The mere sound of it is wonderful. Thank you for listening! Come back soon...

Well, so much has happened. I've started having major problems with anxiety and depression and just flat out overwhelment w/the job. I had to seek a dr. and I'm doing better. Things are fixing to change at work. I'm leaving the office I'm in. Not by choice, but not due to trouble either. I'm not sure when it will take place, but it will be soon. I'm down to my last trip to Nashville for a while. I'm glad of that. My labs from my dr. visit are good. Today is my brother's 32nd birthday. Tomorrow is Mother's Day and Monday I leave again. So, yeah- I'm a little tense. There are days life at home is really good for the most. Today I feel like I'm not physically in this house alone, but I may as well be. It's trying, but to keep peace I don't say a word about it. I've had to get defensive enough this week as it is and honestly, I'm tired of it. I'm happy that the whole work experience is over though. My boss has 'had my back' the whole time. She's great. I recently had a couple of people who thought spreading some rumors would be a good idea. Not just regular ones that you can ignore, but the kind that can get you fired. So, I dealt with that. Not fun. But it's odd how things work. I'm starting to get a feel for work. I've been asked to take a better office but w/a longer drive. But I've also been asked about another position w/in the same office w/out the same secretary that would be w/out the drive. That one's not definite though. But the job sounds so interesting. I like what I currently do a lot, but I'm going to see how I do with the drive first. I'll leave this one to God. He'll show me where I need to go. Life's been hectice lately. But hopefully after this month, things will die down. That's my plan anyhow. I'm going to try to vacate next month or July one. My spouse probably won't be able to do so with me as his work is in high demand during summer, but I need this time off bad. We'll take time off together in the Fall. I already have 2 wks of vacation built up. By fall, I'll have another week. So, we'll see what happens. I'm wanting to paint indoors this summer. I imagine I will. Just gotta find time for it. But as usual, life's been a rollercoaster lately but I feel like I'm in better control of things. Well, I gotta go do some laundry and all so I'll be back. Thanks for listening and have a good rest of the weekend!

I write to you from work and I wonder why it is that people with little to no authority like to push their opinions upon you as if they have authority over you. I don't get it. I don't know why I even let it bother me. It doesn't like it used to. I pray that God keeps one hand on my shoulder to guide me and the other over my mouth when I feel like something unladylike may come forth. So far, so good. I am feeling better than yesterday. I had this huge feeling of being overwhelmed. I went and spoke with my supervisor and she had such great ideas to help me and she showed me why I felt the way I did. Basically, between going 320 miles away every 3 wks for training I missed a whole week. It would take nearly 2 wks to catch up what I missed (not including new work that came while I was back) and then it would be time to go again. I've been doing this since early February. I have to do this once more time in a couple of weeks. She and one of my coworkers showed me some tips to help me get a better grip on what I'm doing. See, it's kinda my schedule and it's really flexible. I like that a lot but it takes getting used to coming from a dept. that has uber structure. But I digress. I just want to do a good job and stay on top of it. I don't want my clients feeling neglected. I'll get the hang of it I imagine. But it sure was nice to be reassured that I won't be fired meanwhile (had that happen w/last supervisor) and that everyone's there for support and help. But I just have to take it one day at a time. That's all I can do... Well, as always, thanks for listening. I appreciate it. Gotta run.

 

Love,

Me

I'm sitting here in my office with a ton of things to do and no direction as to what to do first. I'm feeling overwhelmed because a)in the back of my mind I know that as soon as I catch up, I will have to take another trip to Nashville for training and get behind again b)I'm angry because someone I work with thinks I'm stupid (or that's how they prefer to treat me) and c)I can't concentrate to save my life today. I wish I could regroup and just dive in and do it.... I can't bring myself to it. I could understand if this had been after my first trip, but this is after my 4th. I can't stop crying. I'm tired of people thinking they can treat me however they wish and me just be satisfied with it. I'm tired of my husband being so damn lazy. We both work and he does little to nothing to help me with the house. I have to coax him to do much of anything with me outside of getting a meal. I'm honestly thinking he's lost interest in me as a person. I just feel so bombarded. I've locked myself in my office because I don't really want to deal with the outside world right now. I've asked to talk to my boss to see if she could help me figure out how to handle this better. She wants to see me this afternoon. I feel good about it and scared about it at the same time. The last time I told my boss how I felt, it came back to haunt me in a bad way. It resulted in me getting a bad evaluation and her talking about me leaving. That was with my previous boss and she has since been moved for her actions. I now have a different boss and I'm hopeful, but a tiny part is still scared from what happened before. I don't know. My mind is racing and I just can't focus. I'm going to the dr. monday. I have to get new bloodwork every 3 mo due to diabetes and I'm going to see if I can go back on wellbutrin to stabilize my mood somewhat. We'll see what happens. I do feel better getting this all out. Perhaps if I can just see the end of the day, I'll be okay. Here's to hoping. Thanks for listening.

 

Love,

Me

Hello-

    How is everyone? I've returned once again from training in Nashville. I'd have to say this week has been the best by far of all of them. I really got a lot out of it. I just hate being so far away from home. It seems like I have some sort of jetlag for at least 3 days. It takes about 1 1/2 weeks to catch up what was left behind from the week you were gone too. I'm glad I only have one more trip for a long time.

     I've been lifting weights and exercizing for about a week now. I'd forgotten how much I enjoy lifting. I'm hoping it will help me become leaner and healthier. I have a blue million things that need doing and what irks me most is that I get stuck doing all of them. I think it sucks, but I've discovered that if I neglect something long enough he does get the hint. Still irks me though...

     I saw my brother and my niece today. She's learning to wave and she sits up on her own. I swear she changes every time I see her. She's a good natured baby and I love her and my nephew to pieces. He wasn't there today. He was with his Mom shopping. So it was just the 3 of us and I enjoyed it.

     I go back to work tomorrow. I look forward to it and dread it at the same time. It's kind of a catch 22. But time marches on, doesn't it? I have a billion things I'd like to do or work on and not enough time or energy to do them all. I'm workin' on that though. Hopefully things will slowly come together....

     I'm going to try to see my Mom in the next day or two. I've got to take my Grandma's picture and card to her. She turned 80 last Monday and I was out of town training. The picture is of her, my mom, my brother, his wife and their 2 kids. I thought she'd like having a picture with four generations in it. I swear, Granny don't look any older now than she did when I was 12... I can only hope I'm that lucky at her age.

     Well, that's about all I have to report. I'm gonna finish putting up my canned stuff from the store and lay down. It's allergy season and it's kickin' my butt! Well, thanks for stoppin' by and listening to me ramble. Come back any time and take care!

Love,

Me

Good Morning-

      I report to you feeling very sick at my stomach. Despite that, I'm going to work. I have multiple things I have to submit today because they are due and that's the only reason I am going in at all. Perhaps I can work slowly and get through all right. I hope so. I only have one appt. and it's about half an hour before the end of the day, so that's not too bad.

       My husband and I aren't fighting any more today, but we've not really reconciled either. We both have been to sick to really. He has this stomach junk too. I just hope things improve between us more before I have to leave town again. I leave Monday for the whole week. I'm getting to loathe these trips but I'm down to my final 2. So I'll 'grin and bear it'.

        I wanted to start going to the gym today, but I don't think it'll take place. I want and need to go sooo bad. I dunno. Mark started this and of course, he didn't follow through. That's one thing about him that pisses me off. But it's not just him, there are plenty of people that do this to me whether they intend to or not. Guess it's that 'road to hell is paved with good intentions' theory...

        Well, I gotta run. Work calls. I just want this day over with. Nothing more. Thanks for listening to my babble. Have a good day!

 

Love,

Me

How can someone who loves you hurt you so much over and over? How can they go from loving you to saying things to hurt you on purpose? How can someone do that and get such satisfaction out of it? How come I can't move from here? How come I can't walk away? How is it that I'm hurting and numb at the same time? How is it that I feel nothing and everything at the same time? How is it that I feel afraid and uncertain? How is it I allow this stupid shit to happen over and over again? How is it I continue to let him get to me? How do I find myself still caring when in the back of my mind it's one constant letdown after another? Why can't I see the writing on the wall? Am I really that ignorant? What keeps me here? Why do I feel so tired and weary all of a sudden? Why do I still care? When will I see things for what they are? Am I overreacting? What do I do? Who can I talk to but this screen? Why do I find myself alone in my darkest times when all I want is someone who'll listen and understand? How could I be sooo stupid? Why can't he be good? What's he afraid of? Why does he do this? Does he enjoy seeing me hurt? When will this nonsense end? A billion questions and not an answer to one. I find myself hurting yet comfortably numb. I'd like to cry out but the tears just won't come. Inside my heart's pounding...a loud steady drum. I hate to argue and fuss and fight. I don't care about what was said or who's wrong or right. I just want peace. I just want relief.

Hello....It's only Wednesday. It's been a long week and I'm fighting off either allergies or cold. I sound like Phyllis Diller when I talk because of it. I'm tired and I just feel like everything in my environment is going to get on my nerves a little. You know how ya do when ya feel bad, it's not that life's really that bad or anything. It's just you feel crappy and you don't have as much patience with stuff. I would love nothing more than to go back to bed, but that doesn't pay the bills, now does it? I wish I'd married a man that earned more than I did at times like these, but I did not. I really like working for the most- I just feel bad today. I have so much to do at work and at home and I don't have the energy to devote to neither right now. My Mother doesn't seem to get that. It's like she totally has forgotten what it was like when she was working. Now that she doesn't work anymore, she thinks I should be visiting or doing something most every evening and the truth is this: I work with people all day long. The last thing I want is more people contact on most days. I want quiet and well, the housework doesn't do itself. My husband helps, but it takes 2 of us to do it. By the time you do that, get supper, shower and rest. It's time to go to bed. I have to go to Nashville next week. The training I'm sure will be good, but the trip is a 4.5 hr drive one way and I hate it. I have 2 more trips after this and then I won't have to go anywhere for a while. Or so I think.... I like what I do most of the time. I like helping people. It has it's days too, but for the most-it's a great job. I just long for some time off. It'll be June probably before I could even consider that though. That's another 3 months away. I'm gonna go for now. I'm feeling a tad puny but I'll live. If I can just get through the day I'll be ok I think. I've got so much to do still, but I'll take it one task, one day at a time. That's all I can do. Well, I've vented enough today. Thanks for listening. I must go now...duty calls (not that I really wanna answer). Thanks!

Love,

Me