3:32 PM - Acts of Desperation
I write today from work...again. I am liking my work for the most, but I long to get closer to home. I still have trust issues with different people. I'm trying to do what I'm told and do a good job, but I sense that people are dragging their feet and "blowing smoke". I had inquired about one opening in another dept. closer to home, but the supervisor opened it w/o a response. The regional had spoke of a marketing position and getting it state approved. Nothing there either and in no hurry to do so now as I was led to believe earlier. I still think what happened with my first supervisor is following me. I was slow to learn I admit, but I wasn't taught near what I should have been. Now, since I have said something I feel I am being penalized. I just wonder if those things scar you for life or what. Should I have just allowed my former boss to "toss me to the dogs" and make it appear it was my fault 100% when it wasn't? Should I just 'eat crap' and go on? I'm finding it difficult to sort these things out. I feel rather loserly today. All I want is to get closer to home. I'm willing to work. It's a matter of affording it. My work knows what my financial situation is and that it being why I want closer to home. I feel like that may not have been a smart move, but I didn't know what else to do. I just have a sour taste in my mouth for this place. I wish I could let it go 100%. I really do. But my trust has been violated early on since coming here and by more than one person. I feel trapped. I'm good enough for this where I am considered mediocre at best, but not good enough anywhere else. I can't even get a callback on anything I apply for. It's so disappointing. My husband is working ridiculous hours and I don't talk to him about it as he's too exhausted. I just kind of deal with it alone. I've cried and prayed. I'm to the point where I'm not feeling real worthy of much of anything. I'm trying to find anything and everything that I may "have a shot" at. So far, nothing. I wasn't always this way. When I was in my 20's, I was optimistic and felt there was a way to do anything. I try to still instill this in my clients, but not so much myself. I'm starting to see it as a waste for me. It does things for them. I know I shouldn't let work bother me like this. I just have never experienced feeling so low, so stupid and so unable to trust as much as I should at work. It's that "waiting for the other shoe to drop" syndrome. I have this vertigo thing now and it's embarrassing. I never know when it's going to happen. I grab walls, doors or whatever due to fear of falling. I feel I look stupid. I hope it's just an inner ear or sinus thing and will go away. If it isn't, my dr. wants to test further and do a CAT scan... that scares me. Who knows at this point? I just don't feel sure about anything.
Got to go,
Me