6:06 AM - Walking a Perverbial Tightrope
I find myself in another mental quandry about work. Why do I let this drive me crazy? We had what I would call a mostly productive meeting, but it instilled a lot of doubt in myself as well as rehashed some frustration over something I can do nothing about. Right now, I can financially afford to make the drive to my job. But this winter, when I have a heat bill, I will not. This isn't news to my superiors. My post wasn't moved by my choice. I'm trying earnestly to get to where either I have a post that I get gas reimbursement or get a post closer to home or both. There is a slight possibility of a position that they are creating that would involve marketing the program. I've e-mailed my boss and her boss expressing interest and sharing what I think are some pretty decent ideas. My degree is in business, so I think that I could do a good job of it. But after seeing the stats of our region, I realize that I'm the worst in the department at most everything. My boss kept saying it was because it was my first year. That's partly true. I just feel the first half of my first year has pretty much scarred and doomed me. My boss's predecessor was a lousy boss to me at best. She didn't want to train me and didn't. She went as far as to see if I'd quit first. So, many people assumed things about me that weren't true. I had to redeem myself for damage that I can say I wasn't responsible for the majority of. I'm still doing that. Then I discover my name gets all the way to Nashville via someone I've spoke to maybe 6 times in my life that has nothing to do with my job. But someone who's done half the work I have this year got a position he wanted because his mother is why my name made it to Nashville complaining of how I've not reached half of my goal. Yet, his stats are half of mine and he gets a post he wants. Well, I know govt. is very political and I get that. But honestly, this whole experience minus the last few months has left a nasty, bitter taste in my mouth. I enjoy the people contact and talking to them about the program. I really do. but each time I get a little confidence in myself doing this, it's followed by the reminder that I'm simply not good at it. Despite it, I got a good evaluation by my boss. But this has weighed heavily on my mind. I try to put it out of my mind and can most days, but I just don't know. I've prayed and lost sleep over it. I just have this gut feeling that my first six months (although justifiable now) will follow me the rest of my duration in this dept. It's been a year come next month and I still have a lot of doubts. So....I don't know. It's all frustrating to me. Mark's trying to get a better paying job w/in the city, but like my attempt it is going slow. I just wish God would 'whack me upside the head' and say, "Hey, this is what you need to do. Now go do it." I know...it's not that simple. Maybe I'm looking for something that's not realistic. But I don't like being in a position where I'm doing something, I'm not good at it at all and I know it. I feel like I'm jipping those I serve as well as myself. It's a sucky feeling. So...who knows. I guess chalk this up to another 'bitch and moan session' by me. I just want to let this thing go. It makes me sad.
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