12:15 PM - In this Dark Place
What I wouldn't give to be able to lie down and sleep the rest of the day! I'm exhausted from nothing but clinical depression. Sleep is my only escape, but I did manage to set up an appt. with a therapist on Monday. My head says this is a good move, but my soul could not care less. That sounds horrible I know, but I don't know how to describe the specifics of what I'm experiencing right now.
I'm sad, but numb. I can't muster up a single tear. Why? I have no idea. I feel trapped w/in my job and that I'll never get closer to home. I feel alone even when others are present. I find peace only when I sleep. I dream of places far and away and I feel calm and happy. I can't seem to find anything close to that in my waking hours. I've only told one person here as she's gone through something similar and I trust her not to tell anyone else. But I haven't gone into great detail. It's just easier that way.
I'm having trouble concentrating on my work or any task. I'm in such a fog. I've not taken a thing other than what my dr. prescribes me and I'm not one to abuse my meds.. although I see why folks do that. It will take power far greater than what I have to climb across this hurdle. It's strange. I kind of have an idea as to how my mother felt prior to her hospitalization. She was numb.
The only difference is she wanted to die and I don't. I couldn't put my family and friends through what Mom put us through. It was hell and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. I don't wish to die, but I get why people do. It makes sense to me that one would want to seek a permanent escape. Who wants to live like this all of the time? Not one soul. No, not one...
Well, God saw fit I live to see another anniversary of my father's passing. It's now been 3 yrs. I miss my dad terribly. I feel like the only person that "got me" is forever gone. I don't talk to my other family members like I did him. I just didn't think they could handle it or wanted to hear it. Now I'm left with one-sided conversations with him and an emptiness that can't be described.
Part of me would love to feel good again and be out enjoying life, the other part of me thinks it's just not worth the effort. I manage to do the "bare minimum" with what is required of me at work and home, but that's about all that is getting done.
I've prayed to God about this. He knows where I stand, but here I am. I say little to family and friends. I get on my own nerves saying it, so I can't imagine now nerve racking it is to hear it from me. So, I put on my "happy face" and don't let on. It's getting harder to do though. It seems like each day it takes more and more effort... or maybe that is just everything I do... I'm not certain at this point.
I've got 4 more hours before I can get in my car and drive home for the day. It's been the longest day. I'm trying to give the illusion that I'm busy anyhow. Oy! I only want to see 4:30 get here. I hate it here. Ab-so-lute-ly hate it! Lord help me.