If You Don't Like What I Have To Say, Don't Freaking Read This

The countdown begins... THREE, TWO, ONE!

　

20. "You goddamned cellphone-toting whore! I should ram my Toyota up your ass for doing that stupid shit!" My Grandfather Miguel, age 72. He hurled this out the window of his car just last week when a woman talking over her cellphone nearly ran him off the road. She of course sped off in fright.

　

19. "Get off the road, you piss-drenched shitballs!" My friend Ricky, age 29. He yelled this out his own car window two days ago at some guy that kept moving from lane to lane while giggling. When we sped by this giddy very charismatic person, Ricky added "FUCKFACE!" to the wonderful display of what we adults call 'Road Rage'. After this occured, he started singing quite happily to himself some song that went like "Spread your legs and get prepared to be FUCKED" while I stared in traumatized wonder at the windshield.

　

18. "Beaver-Weaver." I don't even REMEMBER where I heard this, but... HOW CAN SOMEONE WEAVE A BEAVER?!

　

17. I don't remember most of the insults in this one... But I really loved this guy. His name was EVOL and he was a member of the board nosftu.com (no longer exists). Anyways, I was also a member and I noticed that this guy liked putting other people down and acted like he was so far up his own ass he couldn't even smell common sense anymore. I called it out on him and he wrote 13 pages THIRDTEEN PAGES insulting me, every conversation I'd had on the site, and everyone that had ever talked to me. And listen to this... I came with the BESTEST COME BACK EVERR! He truly honest to God got as rabid as festering squirrel shit when I wrote this back to him.

Wait for it...

Here it comes...

The suspense!

PREPARE YOURSELF FOR MY WITTY INSULT TO HIS INTELLIGENCE! GET SOME PAPER AND PENCIL! I'M IMPARTING FLAMING EXPERTISE!

"LOL"

THAT was my comeback to his longwinded rant that could have become a star winning novel in the emo-wannabe shit department. Eventually the mods got fed up and banned both him and his IP and told me to cool it. WHAT NEEDED COOLING??? I just said "LOL". Note: I was 14 years old when that had happened so I did it to REALLY get on his very 'adult' nerves.

　

16. "Call me that after you've wiped off that crusty cumstain off your hairy snobby ass-crack." Adam my EX-boyfriend aged 19 when he had said it. Said it to some 'preppy' guy that called him a fag for wearing eyeliner. The funniest part was that Adam was very calm and nonchalant when he said it which is pretty fucking scary considering what a murderous psycho he really is.

　

15. "You want a flame. HERE'S A FLAME! You suck hairy monkey nuts, are going to get skull-raped by Satan and all of your shit-infested children will burn in a pedophillic HELL. I'd laugh but faggoty fat bitches who are camera whores showing off flab don't turn me on. You might turn me on if you're dead, then I might think of fucking your rotting carcass because at least then you'd have lost some weight because of the maggots eating your shit filled entrails. Have a wonderful day! TTYL xoxoxoxox" A flame I read at some troll fic. The author told readers that she wrote the story for FLAMES and boy did she get them! I wrote it down because it made me giggle.

　

14. "I'M MARRIED TO A WHORE, BUT SHE'S THE PERFECT LADY!" Don't remember where I heard that. Was it a movie? Shit! Maybe it was some random drunk guy looking for attention at Mardi Gras (I went to one when in high school and there's loads of crazy people there! Ah... Lot's of laughs and wonderful memories! Really cute guys too...)

　

13. "FUCK YOU." Very original. So orginial that there's inspirational posters, bumper-stickers, keychains with these two very simple, DIRECT words. Gotta' love people, especially when they make you laugh!

　

12. "Mother Shitface." Me, at the time I came up with this very SHAMEFUL comeback, I was actually 9 years old. English is my second language and at the time I didn't know half the shit I said so I said "Mother Shitface" to my PE teacher for making me take detention for talking too much during class. This very mature insult of mine got me a MONTH of detention. Mr. Shay wasn't very pleased or impressed with my inherent sporadic bouts of creativity. Everyone's a critic! ('Mother Shitface' is Copyrighted to Miriam Ocasio aka Mirrors.)

　

11. "OK wait while I take a deep breath because I'm really mad right now! FUCK YOU! KIKYO IS FUCKIN DEAD! IF INUYASHA SHOOSES HER THEN HIS A NECROPHILIAC THAT FUCKS DIRT! SO FUCK YOU DISGUSTING CORPSEFUCKING BITCH AND FUCK YOUR SHITSTORY!" A flame from some very highstrung adult at AFF directed at a Inu/Kik fic that had tons of Kagome-bashing. (its a veeeery old story. You have to really search for it in order to find it, but since I've been over 18 for the last ten years, I had the chance of reading this wonderful flame and have safeguarded it for awhile. I'm a collector and only keep the best stuff. I should put up the link of my old Blurty journal in here, because most of these wonderful 'stuffs' have come from there.)

　

10. "Excuse me while I go wipe the baby-snot off my upper lip." What I told to some 'older chick' that treated me like an idiot. Yes, I insulted myself, but when people laughed they were all looking at her while she stared back at me in flushed-faced stupefaction. She definitely hadn't seen that one coming.

　

9. "YOU SUCK DICK. LOVE DEEPTHROAT." This actually came off the movie called 'Dick'. The girls made up a poster for him to watch it from his airplane and they forgot to put a comma before 'Dick'. Deepthroat was a codename the girls had, so in other words for the lack of comma's it came out looking like that, when in fact, the two stupid girls were trying to say this:

"YOU SUCK, DICK.

LOVE,

DEEPTHROAT

If you don't find that funny, then you need to get a life. (I know I've just insulted myself AGAIN)

　

8. "To the girl that said I messed up my story.

Go fuck your father. :)"

So simple but very effective in pissing people off.

This came from a friend of mine writing a IY fic in Mediaminer. Her fic was good, but sometimes some chapters were rushed and completely hopped over events. I told her she did that (nicely) and she improved greatly. However, some other girl wasn't as nice and wrote her a scalding review saying that her 'shitty fic was worser than bloody sick cow vomit'. Anyways. The reason why I put this here is because of the reaction the flamer gave after my friend FINISHED the fic she had flamed and added that as a the final blow to the flamer (with the 'Go fuck your father.' comment)...

FIFTY REVIEWS FROM THE SAME PERSON TO THE SAME STORY. LOOOOOOONG REVIEWS! FIFTY OF THEM! ONE FOR EVERY CHAPTER MY FRIEND WROTE! (guess fucking her father didn't do her any good)

My friend didn't reply to a single one and continued writing. The flamer didn't attack her other stories because after flooding that one fic, she was IP banned from the site PERMANENTLY. (Mediaminer and Adultfanfiction DOES have IP bans. So doing something that stupid can be very costly to a 'career flamer' even if the reviewing is anonymous. The mods track IPs and every review has a serial number attached to it and with that they track everyone in there sites. THAT'S how they know who to block and who is doing what.)

　

7. "Maybe people wouldn't call you a whore, if you didn't look and act like one, sweety." My MOM. She said this to a friend of hers named Marguarita (who was indeed a whore) after she whined like she always did about being called a WHORE. My mom obviously got tired of it, and said that to her quite nicely. (she wasn't shouting or anything. She used the 'mother tone' when she said it, which I think stung Marguarita more than anything)

　

6. "Instead of talking about it, fucking do it! Kill yourself or SHUT THE FUCK UP AND QUIT WHINING LIKE A TOTAL VAGINAL EMO-COSMIC-FART!" Me being mad at my ex-husband because he was using his 'I'm going to commit suicide if you leave me' ploy. He's still alive unfortunately. I guess he loved himself more than our lame 5 year marriage.

　

5. "Noob." What in Hell's name is a fucking 'noob'? I'm still wondering! I've heard that insult millions of times and I've never figured it out. Should I go to the Urban Dictionary because I'm culturally retarded?

4. "At least my bloody cum-filled ass looks better than your fat face." RICKY! Gotta love him! He said this to some really stuck up chick over at 'El Ocho En Blanco' (its a club in Rio Piedras close to the UPR. Its a good place to meet really CUTE college guys! I've met quite a couple of 'darkly beautiful specimens' there, though I still carry my maze just in case). We were waiting in the line of the bathroom and this fat bitch (I couldn't help myself. She was REALLY RUDE.) shoved herself past us and Ricky said, "You know. A civilized person would say excuse me?" She just looked at him, "Whatever, fag. I know you just wanna get in there to wipe blood and cum off your ass." HENCE THE FOURTH INSULT IN MY LIST! And yes, Ricky is indeed very gay. Gay enough to be noticeable, but that didn't give this fat-faced bitch a right to say something like that to him.

3. "WHY ARE YOU ALL STANDING AROUND LIKE A BUNCH OF SCROTUM SACKS?! DO SOMETHING INTERESTING BEFORE I KILL MYSELF!" Melissa. An old buddy of mine from college. She was both drunk and stoned when she said this. No one really asked for it since she just randomnly burst out with this wonderful little insult that I sometimes use to this day to get lazy people to move. It's a daily phrase of mine that is very effective in pissing people off. You should use it sometime.

2. "Quit being such a buttfuck and get me my motherfucking taco." Maria. MY BEST BUDDY! This girl really puts the B in BITCH. I looooove her! She said this remark to Yovarie (a really snobby stuck up girl at Huertas Junior College at the time). Anyways, Yovarie not only did she insult everyone for their clothes, she insulted looks and always after completely slamming you, she would dare to ask to borrow money! OH SWEET MOTHER OF SHIT! WHAT KIND OF PERSON ACTS LIKE THAT TOWARDS YOU AND THEN ASKS FOR MONEY LIKE YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY SHE'S TALKING TO YOU?!

Apparently Yovarie.

The day in which Maria said this, Yovarie had just said some really ugly remarks about Maria's husband (and thought Maria hadn't overheard her). HOURS after Yovarie did this, she asked Maria for 10 bucks (and she already owed her $30). That was when it happened... Maria told her that she already owed her money and wasn't going to give her shit until she had paid her back everything she owed. Yovarie insulted her and since on that day Maria was kinda' broke anyway, she told her to buy her a taco and Yovarie said "FUCK NO!"

Then it came... ONE OF MY FAVORITES! With her eyebrow twitching and a squinty evil eye, Maria SAID it. "Quit being such a buttfuck and get me my motherfucking taco."

Yovarie stopped arguing immediately.

1. This one is actually a flame to 'My Immortal' which is known as the worst fanfic to ever grace the internet. Since the person that has given us these wonderful laugh-worthy things already has them at FFN. I guess I'll just leave the link here so you can read all of it yourself.

　

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4414992/1/The_Most_Entertaining_Reviews_Ever (Give a lot of the credit to

Self-Proclaimed KingofDDR for finding these masterpieces and gifting them to all of us!)

Quoting the BEST FLAME EVER!

　

((

This is my new favorite sentence in the history of the English language.

No, wait...

"He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko."

THIS is my new favorite sentence in the history of the Engl-oh, but wait...

"We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)"

This HAS to be the best sentence EVER written. I mean, how can you possibly top...

"Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face."

Damn, girl! How do you do it? Every sentence is like a Shakespearian sonn...

"Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating to it!"

Oh God...stop, please! You're killing me...

"stop f,aing ok hargrid is a pedo 2 a lot of ppl in amerikan skoolz r lik dat I wunted 2 adres da ishu!"

AH HAHAHAHA! Brilliant! (Wow. Look at all the pretty red underlining.)

"Dumbledore had constipated the cideo camera they took of me naked."

Oh sweet Lorelei...

"Then suddenly he looked at me and he fell down with a lovey-dovey look in his eyes. "." he said."

""Yeah but everyone is in love with me! Like Snape and Loopin took a video of me naked. Hargrid says he's in love with me. Vampire likes me and now even Snaketail is in love with me! I just wanna be with you ok Draco! Why couldn't Satan have made me less beautiful?" I shouted angrily. (an" don't wory enoby isn't a snob or anyfing but a lot of ppl hav told her shes pretty) "Im good at too many things! WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT'S A FUCKING CURSE!""

I'm just so jeluz uv yu.

""Hey BTW my name's ebondy dark'ness dementia TARA way what's yours?""

Mary-Sue who?

"She had a really nice body wif big bobs and everything. She was thin enouff 2 be anorexic."

Okay, I think now I'm getting scared.

"We went back to our rooms and we had you-know-what to a Linkin Park song."

Tara Ebony Enoby Enony Eboby Ennoby Dark'ness Dementia Raven Malaprop has more you-know-what in this story than I've had in my entire LIFE. Maybe I should try the Count Chocula (GOD I love that).

"I whipped and whepped as my blody eyeliner streammed down my cheeks and made cool tears down my feces..."

Now THIS. THIS is definitely my favorite sentence ever written or uttered in the entire history of language itself. You can't POSSIBLY beat...

"He pot his wetnes in my u-know-what sexily. I gut an orgy. "Oh Draco!1!1 Oh mi fuking gud Draco!1" I screemed passively as he got an eructation."

And yet, somehow, she did. I don't see how this can get any bett...

"How due u aspect me to know Ebony's not divisional?"
""U know very well that I'm not decisional. Now get some fucking ppl out there to look for Series and Lucian- pornto!""
"I took of my clothes den we were in 4 da rid of r lif."
"He put his spock in my you-know-what and passively we did it."

I give up. I can't keep up with you, honey. Genius. Pure absolute unadulterated genius.

""Okay you can go now, see ya cunt." said Proffesor Sinister.

"Bye bitch." I said waving."

Ahh. If I had a nickel for every time my professors and I had similar exchanges.

"Then… he put his trobbing you-know-what in my tool sexily. "OMFG Draco Draco!" I screamed having an orgism. We stated frenching passively. Suddenly… I fell asleep."

Ah hahahaHAHAHA! Oh, I HATE it when that happens.

"I began to drink some blod mixed wif beer."

The new mixed drink taking bars by storm across Hogsmeade. Apparently.

""ohh." now everything was making sense for me."

Well, that makes one of us.

"Suddenly someone jumped in fornt of me. It wuz…..Morty Mcfli!1"

Hahaha! Tippecanoe and Darth Vader too!

"In it a boy and a gurl were doing it sudenly a cereal killer came lol"

NO! Not the Count Chocula!

""Yah he wuz a spy." Serious said sadly. "He wuz really a Death Dealer." "And he wuz such a fuking poser 2!11" said Lucian. "He didn't even realy no hu GC were until I told him." "

Seriously. 'Cause being a spy and a "Death Dealer" is one thing. But a POSER? That's just unacceptable.

"I ran suicidally to my room I sexily took a steak out."

Nope. This is it. THIS is the one. I'm tattooing this on my body somewhere. This is the best, the greatest, the most phantasmagorically fanatically fantabulous sentence ever created. Seriously. Absolutely delicious.

""Yah Im okay 4 ur in4mation." I snapped sexily."
OH thank goodness.

"OMG am I Dedd?""
Whoops, maybe not. Hee.

"He had bleched blond hair"

From the eructation, most likely.

""Dat was Hedwig. He used 2 b my boifreind but we broke up." Satan said sadly, luking at his blak nails."

Wow. Even Satan is emo.
I didn't know.

"He looked more young den he did in da future."

You know, that happens even to the best of us.

"I explained 2 her why I was alive."

Could you fill us in then, please?

"Every1 took their glocks out except 4 me im a girl lol."

Girls can carry guns too, you know. Err, wait...oh. Nevermind. /

"I didn't really have sexx him but he's a ropeist!"

Oh man. Don'tcha just hate people who are prejudiced against rope? It's so preppy.

"We were so scarred!1"

As are we, honey. As. Are. We.

"Hairgrid wuz in da bed opposite me in a comma"

And FINALLY! SHE FINDS A COMMA!

"I cried sexily I just wanted 2 go 2 the commen room and slit my wrists with mi friends while we watched Shark Attak 3 and Saw 2 and do it with Draco but I knew I had 2 do somefing more impotent."

Wellp? I can't do it. I just can't. I went through all 44 chapters (yes, I did) and I keep finding new and better sentences, more deliciously descriptive adverbs, and thousands upon thousands of dead brain cells, once functional, jumping out of various orifices, desperate in their attempt to escape the torture. You see I, too, am a sadist. So please, PLEASE, I beg of you...write more. You must. You MUST.

"Oh my satan!1" (geddit lolz koz shes gofik)
actshelly (geddit, hell)
black die (geddit insted of tie koz im goffik)
"u go to this skull?"(geddit cos im goffik)
"Oh my goth!" Slugborn gosped. (geddit kos im goffik)
"Fangs." I said. (geddit? koz ur goffik? We GET it. WE BLOODY GET IT.)

Final Reviewer's Note: Ellipses. They can be your ally, or they can be your enemy. Use them wisely, my friend.

I don't think that could have been any better. Seriously.

And now I'm off to get a lif.

Fangz so very much for the eructation.

NOW THAT'S a piece of fucking art! If you are a fanfic writer and have ever been flamed, reading THIS will make any flamer you've had look like a simpering pussy in comparison. I had shit track stains in my panties after reading it because of how fucking excellent it was! This person... I truly honest to GOD want to meet him or her and marry them! This is just purely orgasmic! A Da Vinci of all flames. NOTHING can compare to this! That's why its the NUMBER ONE MOST INSULTING THING IN MY LIST! WE HAVE A WINNER!

"Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time." ))