Rantings and Ramblings of a Southern Girl

I find my self on auto-pilot today. I'm plugging along not really accomplishing anything, but not really wanting to. I'm nearing my wits end with this job. I can and will say out loud that I a)wish I'd kept my mouth shut and b)wish I'd never left DHS. It's been an uphill battle since arriving here and I feel no matter what I say or do here, it will not benefit me. I've more or less "blackballed" myself in this department and realize that it's time for me to go.

That hurt me at first, but facts are facts. So I accept it for what it is. I failed here and miserably so. I have learned a lot while here though. I'll take it with me into my next job. I do hope that I can stay w/the state maybe going into another dept. That's what I hope for. I'm trying and that's about all I can do at the moment. I'm trying to be patient, but that's something that doesn't come easy for me.

Each day I become more and more depressed by this place. I don't really let anyone know it as I don't think they need to. I'm here and I'm working, so that's all that should matter to those around me. I have found some solace in sleeping. I sleep a lot to escape what I feel. It does help. It's about the only thing that does. My husband tried talking to me last night, but I didn't open up to him 100%. I just can't.

I've written to purge, I've prayed to purge and I've cried to purge this awful thing out of me. I'm to the point where I'm just numb and really tired. I think that would be best right now. I don't have the energy to actually deal with anything. I do what I must, but that's all I can do. I guess taking my meds would help. Maybe.. maybe not. I just don't see any resolve.

Perhaps this is how my life is meant to be. If it is, then ok. Honestly, I'd hoped for more but it's quite all right. I'll live. I wish I could get out of this. But part of me just accepts it. At least I have sleep to look forward to. There's nothing else right now. Nothing else.....

What I wouldn't give to be able to lie down and sleep the rest of the day! I'm exhausted from nothing but clinical depression. Sleep is my only escape, but I did manage to set up an appt. with a therapist on Monday. My head says this is a good move, but my soul could not care less. That sounds horrible I know, but I don't know how to describe the specifics of what I'm experiencing right now.

I'm sad, but numb. I can't muster up a single tear. Why? I have no idea. I feel trapped w/in my job and that I'll never get closer to home. I feel alone even when others are present. I find peace only when I sleep. I dream of places far and away and I feel calm and happy. I can't seem to find anything close to that in my waking hours. I've only told one person here as she's gone through something similar and I trust her not to tell anyone else. But I haven't gone into great detail. It's just easier that way.

I'm having trouble concentrating on my work or any task. I'm in such a fog. I've not taken a thing other than what my dr. prescribes me and I'm not one to abuse my meds.. although I see why folks do that. It will take power far greater than what I have to climb across this hurdle. It's strange. I kind of have an idea as to how my mother felt prior to her hospitalization. She was numb.

The only difference is she wanted to die and I don't. I couldn't put my family and friends through what Mom put us through. It was hell and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. I don't wish to die, but I get why people do. It makes sense to me that one would want to seek a permanent escape. Who wants to live like this all of the time? Not one soul. No, not one...

Well, God saw fit I live to see another anniversary of my father's passing. It's now been 3 yrs. I miss my dad terribly. I feel like the only person that "got me" is forever gone. I don't talk to my other family members like I did him. I just didn't think they could handle it or wanted to hear it. Now I'm left with one-sided conversations with him and an emptiness that can't be described.

Part of me would love to feel good again and be out enjoying life, the other part of me thinks it's just not worth the effort. I manage to do the "bare minimum" with what is required of me at work and home, but that's about all that is getting done.

I've prayed to God about this. He knows where I stand, but here I am. I say little to family and friends. I get on my own nerves saying it, so I can't imagine now nerve racking it is to hear it from me. So, I put on my "happy face" and don't let on. It's getting harder to do though. It seems like each day it takes more and more effort... or maybe that is just everything I do... I'm not certain at this point.

I've got 4 more hours before I can get in my car and drive home for the day. It's been the longest day. I'm trying to give the illusion that I'm busy anyhow. Oy! I only want to see 4:30 get here. I hate it here. Ab-so-lute-ly hate it! Lord help me.