Rantings and Ramblings of a Southern Girl

Fri, 2 Mar 2007

6:39 AM - What am I going to do?

Well I came home only to have my husband argue with me over something stupid (he got mad because I wanted to use the computer). He left and was gone for several hours. He came back. He slept on the couch and he's still not speaking to me today. This arguement started about 14 hrs ago. I was guilty of telling my best friend what happened because it hurt me. He heard that and he's been like this ever since. I tried to apologize and he said some profanities and left. He's hellbent on punishing me and I'm so sick of it. I'm really physically sick from it. I can't carry on with all of these bad feelings in me, but 2 of the people I trust the most I can't go to. I don't have anyone else. I only have writing this down and my best friend. She finds out today if she gets to keep her job. She's contract staff for a govt. agency. If they lose the contract, she's out of a job. So I can't lay this on her. I can't talk to my husband. He made that obvious. My Mother and I are having some issues right now with her bad mouthing my dead father, so she's out. I may have to seek professional help if this doesn't let up soon. I can't sleep, I can't eat and I feel all jittery inside. Oh yeah, I feel like I could puke also. I just want reprieve. As I write, I get on my own nerves. I can't imagine what I'm doing to any readers out there. I like to be an upbeat person and have good things to share, but life's not worked that way for the last little bit. I'm just hoping somehow God will intervene because I'm spent. Well, I've gotta get ready for work now. If I can just get through the day I'll be all right hopefully. I can put on my game face and do my best. Here's to hoping. Thanks for listening.

Take Care,

Me :(

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3:33 PM - Dreading to Go Home

I'm nearing the end of my day and I absolutely dread going home. I don't want to face him and more screaming/arguing or whatever else he has in mind. The mere thought of it exhausts me to no end. Oddly enough, beyond tired, I don't feel much else. I know what whatever happens I can't do anything about it and I'll accept the consequences. I'm hoping there will be resolve, but I realize that may not be likely. The more I think about it, I think it's a deeper rooted problem and I'm the scapegoat. Reason being, in the last few days prior to this blowup he was heated in conversation almost to the point of being hateful to me. He apologized, but it was out of character for him. I know work is driving him crazy, but I sense something else may be going on. I guess I'll find out in about an hour and a half. I so just want to find a peaceful place and lie down. I didn't sleep worth a crap last night. I've been sick at my stomach today. I know it's stress. I just don't want to fight with him any more. I'm done. I'm spent. I'm not going to do this any more. The ball's in his court and it's his call entirely. I just want to get away from all of this crap and the people that give it to me and find a peaceful place where I can just be peaceful and happy. I want to have something happy to report to the world. All of this negativity is really dragging me down. I'm just not sure how to get rid of it though with what all is going on. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. I long for a simpler time in life. It seems like life gets so complicated as you get older. I miss the days where all I dealt with was homework, friends and hanging out. It's immature, I know. But life was a whole lot easier. Ah gosh, what do ya do? Well, here's to hoping that things will just smooth themselves out. Heaven help me.

mood: Tired

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