6:58 AM - To Be Anyone Else But Me
The depression is back and in full force. I can do enough to get by and no one question, but I don't sleep well... my eating is out or sorts... I have hart time focusing or doing anything I once enjoyed... I feel guilty for leaving my last job for this one and feel personally doomed in the employment arena. I feel like a loser.
I haven't always felt this way. I just want it all to go away and no one knows this but me- and I guess now you. I just don't want to share with anyone close right now. I'm seeking professional help. It's helped before. I just mentally and physically feel bad. I long to feel good again. I just don't know where to begin or how.
I journal. I sleep (more than I should some days, not near enough others). I do walk for exercise. I try soothing things but I can't focus on them. It's like my mind is going 100 mph down a dead end road. Sounds cliche` but true. I know what I want and need in life, but just don't have the gumption to do it right now.
I know my avoidance isn't a solution, but there has to be one somewhere,right? I've tried everything I could without professional intervention. It's just not working. I find myself thinking of my father a lot lately. He's been dead nearly 4 yrs. I cry a lot. Always alone though. I don't want anyone to see. It's just easier to front with most of my family. It's just getting harder to do.
What do I do meanwhile?