4:59 PM - Trying Despite Feeling Defeated
It seems that just when I think I've done all I can to make a situation better, I still am continuing to get shot down. I was supposed to go to lunch with a friend of mine... got stood up without a call or anything. I had hoped to at least get an interview for a job that I think I would love and would be closer to home....nothing. I've looked in the wanted ads and the state registers and I can't even get a damned interview. I know I've screwed up sometimes, but I know for a fact that I've not done so terribly that I've burned bridges entirely. I'm really starting to wonder if I'm being blackballed by previous or current supervision. I don't know how I'd find that out. But I refuse to believe that I'm such a terrible employee that I wouldn't qualify for anything. But so far, that's how it's looking. I can't continue to spend $84/wk in fuel. That's 20% of my monthly earnings. That's more than what I spend on my worst winter heat bill. It's ridiculous. I've expressed an interest in being moved, but I've been lied to about that. I've been trying this 'think positive' outlook for a little while now. It's gotten me nothing so far. I'm nervous. I'm not sleeping good at night. I feel so defeated. I think I may have to go back to school for something. The education and experience I have are not going to get me anything I fear. I know I have some good skills. I know I can work well to provide for others. I've done this for years. I just don't know what else to do but sit alone and cry. Now I know feeling sorry for myself won't solve anything, but I'm trying so hard and getting nowhere. I just don't know what else to do at this point. I've exhausted everything I know to do. I'm just tired of the politics and bullshit. I'm tired of people not presenting themselves at face value. I know there will be some of this to a degree no matter where you go. But what I've seen recently is just sheer lunacy. What gets me is blind eyes and deaf ears turn to it everywhere. I guess the whole 'moral standard/do the right thing' attitude has been flushed down the perverbial toilet of life. I don't know.... All I do know is I need a miracle.
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