Rantings and Ramblings of a Southern Girl

I've caught my husband in what has recently been 3 lies. All involving things he shouldn't be doing. Once again, it was made my fault and his claim this time was he didn't know there was a difference in voice chat and typing with another woman.... Bull Fucking Shit! I am so very angry at him. I know where this road leads. I didn't yell, but I did express my feelings. He yelled and screamed and of course was way too dramatic. He says we've been married 14 yrs and he wants to spend the next 14 with me. My thoughts are 'show me'. I'm glad he has a hobby, but it would be nice to spend time with him beyond a meal and a fuck. I'm just about at my wit's end. We're supposed to go on vacaction next week. I absolutely dread it with the way I feel right now. It makes me physically sick. For once, I wish he'd own up where he fucks up. But I guess accountability would be asking too much. I tell ya, my faith is people is waning and fast. I do have one friend whom I think is honest and wouldn't try to screw me over or take advantage. I'm thankful I have her. I just dread coming home today. I don't want to talk with him, deal with him or anything at this point. He'll expect me to just let this go. Of course, if he bothered to explain himself he will make me the villain/bitch as he doesn't think he does anything wrong. He could be doing worse by being out of the house talking to other women or fucking them. Is that supposed to make me feel better? Hell no! Sometimes I think my life would be a hell of a lot easier if I were alone. I took 1 and 1/2 Xanax so that I could go to sleep last night and not have to deal with his sorry ass. I was asleep by 8:30. I just don't want to deal with him at all right now. The shit is getting old. I've been trying hard to not let the negative stuff get me, but this oversteps the line. He got mad because I had a friends list with male names on it. Out of respect, I took my page down. He lied about saying he told other women I wasn't comfortable with him chatting. Well, tonight I find him chatting with one. He's a fucking liar in my book and I HATE A LIAR. He says he's sorry, but he's just gonna have to fucking show me. I'm sick of him screaming at me when he's in the wrong and trying to make everything my fault. He needs to grow the fuck up and be a man. I get tired of him doing things to make me doubt him and the fact that he gets mad at me because I care and he doesn't. He doesn't value my feelings at all. He doesn't give a shit as long as he gets what he wants. He's just like his selfish bitch of a mother in that sense. Well, the welcome has worn off of this doormat. I'm too far gone to go back to that. So much for believing in love... For I have discovered it doesn't exist unconditionally and it's a matter of convenience, not a priority. I don't want to be anyone's convenience. I'd rather be alone if that's what it takes. Don't know if I'll get past this shit. I'd like to believe I will, but my belief in anything right now has been shattered.