7:08 AM - Sunday Morning
Good Morning,
I write to you fairly relaxed today. It's been a busy weekend and I'm just hanging out at home. Yesterday we took our nephew to see Spiderman 3, out to eat and the comic book store. He's worked really hard on his advanced reading class and we wanted to reward him(he has the highest points in his grade).
Nashville is over for a long while I hope. I enjoyed the training, but there is still quite a bit of anxiety of coming back. It appears I'm going to another office, same staff and supervision but the travel will add about 230 miles per week to my travel time. My husband is not happy about this. So, that's been hard to deal with. There is a position that I think is open that works with teaching the blind/visually impaired to use adaptive equipment.
It's not like teaching them braille or anything, but things they can use in their everyday life to continue to live independently. I like to teach. I've done in with disabled adults before and even used some of the equipment before. The caseload isn't near as high, but the office is closer to home. I've emailed the supervisor of that position to let her know of my interest although I've discovered they did interview 2 already. But I'm being told by others that they didn't really meet the criteria....so who knows.
Now don't get me wrong, the folks in the office further away are great. It's just my spouse giving me grief over the longer drive I'll have. I dread to see all the work I'll have to do when I get back. It takes about 2 wks to catch that up...that doesn't include the work that comes in during the week your back. It's really been a stressful 4 months. Having no help at home around the house hasn't helped one damned bit either.
I'm on antidepressants and anxiety meds again. I'm not really happy about that, but it's either that or feel like having heart attack symptoms most of the day. So....Oddly enough, besides that, my physical health is good aside from my being overweight. Even my blood pressure is within range. But I tell ya, I have days where I don't have tolerance for anything.
I'm normally a patient person...really. But between having no help at home, being behind at work, the conflicts at work, the changes at work and just some people in general....It makes me want to move away from all of that. I know...running away isn't the answer. But I don't know what else to do. I'm really at a loss here. I've prayed, I've cried, I've vented on here....and I've done so alone.
I've tried talking to my husband....I don't think he understands. My mother is far to judgemental depsite she's gone through much worse mentally. My brother, eh- don't see no point in that. I think my dr. gets it and he told me when I felt I needed counseling he would be glad to help me find a good one....I've not been to one since a few months after my dad died.
I just don't know......I have so much angst, anxiety, depression and frustration inside sometimes. This is worse now than when my father died. If only he were here...what a great listener and advisor he was. He could do so without judgement. He was reasonable and he acted like he loved me no matter how badly I may have screwed up. I have never felt that with my mother. I'm sure she loves me, but if I screw up...believe me, she's the first to let me know.
I'm not sure where answers lie here. I'm not sure of much of anything right now other than how I feel. I don't like it and feel like it makes me a weaker person. But maybe that's mine to deal with, I just dont' know.....I'm not sure of anything any more. Well, gonna run take the dog out. You know, responsibility and the whole bit. Thanks for listening.
Me