5:13 PM - Just When I Think....
Just when I think I can come home to my haven which I call home and unwind, I am faced with someone giving me lip over using the damned computer. I'm sick of the smartass-nothings-wrong-so-don't-ask-grow-the-fuck-up shit I get. My patience with behavior like that is waning. All I asked was if I could use it. He is on it every damned day. He said, "What for?" I asked if I had to have a reason and then he got pissy and said he was going to a friend's house. I asked why he was leaving and the answer to that was the above mentioned that I stated being sick of. I just want people to let go of this theory that I'm here for their entertainment/taking shit/doormat/or anything else you want to call it. I guess when it's good it's good, but when it's bad it sucks. I started out the other day this way but talked to someone who encouraged me and inspired me and the day really ended good. I felt good about things. Now I know that there's assholes all throughout the world and you can't avoid all of them 100% of the time. I'm a realist. I know this. I just wish that what people invested in me came close to what I invest in them. Not all people, just a select few. I guess if it didn't hurt me, I wouldn't care. That's not an unrealistic statement. I just get tired of people thinking that they can treat me however and I'll just keep taking. This is the quickest way I know how to vent without having judgement passed upon me and ensuing an arguement. I just want peace. I want love. I want a little and I do mean a little acknowledgement or appreciation from time to time. I do it, why can't they? It just hurts my heart I guess. I just feel here. I don't feel like I'm special to anyone. Yes, I'm married and yes I have a sibling and a living parent as well as extended family. I just don't feel like I'm special to any of them. I'm here when they need things, but that's about it. I find that may sound a bit silly, but on the other hand I just wish to withdraw from all of them. At least I could have my own peace and solitude. Perhaps that's what I'll do. I'm just so damned tired of this "doing the right thing" with people who don't seem to care. I want to let them know how angry I am. I want to really lay into those who've hurt me. But part of me doesn't feel like wasting my breath. Part of me just wants to tell them to 'get bent' and to be left alone. I'm not sure how I'll deal with this. I guess I'll grab the moments of sunshine where I can and just live with it. It's sad to say that these days I find those at work. That's the only place. My clients appreciate what help they get. They let me know this. They help me in return. I'm glad I have that at least. I want to cry but I'm just too damned tired to. So I guess I'll go lie down now and be what I am when my 'loved ones' aren't needing something - ALONE. Perhaps there is a solution to this. Hell if I know what it is.